While I Was Holding On
by JanieWrites
Summary: I tried not show how much that hurt, but I knew he could see. The  feeling of rejection was the worst pain I had ever, or ever will, feel. The  sting shook me to the core. I should've known he wouldn't accept me.


_We went our separate ways and have never seen each other since_.

I've gotten weak since the last time I saw him. It was only to be expected. I haven't eaten in a couple of days and I've ran into trouble here and there during my treks of the forest. Whether they're vampires or other animals, I can't be too sure; I just attack anything that gives off a defensive stance.

I have a cold I just can't kick and have no clothes left. _The many perks of being a werewolf. _My healing ability has been lacking on me lately and I have scabs all over my hands and knees.

I'm slowly losing my superior sense of hearing.

My eyes only have the ability to see what a normal human can see.

I can't hear the thoughts of my pack anymore.

Figures. A broken imprint is a sickly imprint.

It's funny, actually, how it all had happened. How I hated him. Hated the _idea_ of him and as soon as I make eye contact with him… Boom! He's my soul mate. My reason for living. My own personal sun. A pale and dead sun, but a sun nonetheless. The whole she-bang.

I had just been trying to save Bella from him when… I should've been avoiding him myself. It makes me laugh when I replay that day in my head. I had just snitched to Charlie about Bella riding a _dangerous_ bike when I found them in the front yard. I had been so mad… so agitated that I had a whole lot of things I was going to say to him. I was hoping for maybe a little bit of thrown punches too.

Bella, _dunce Bella,_ had stood in between us and held her hands to our chests, as if she could stop a fight from breaking out. I told her to get out of the way, that Charlie was calling her, when all I really wanted her to do was leave so I could have a go at her bloodsucker.

She wouldn't listen, though; she was too busy looking at me with that pitiful, wounded animal look on her face. _How could you, Jake? I thought you were my best friend. _Yeah, I _had _been, but that all changed when I looked up into Edward's eyes and realized that she had been keeping my imprint from me all this time.

I didn't have time to wrap my head around it before my life crumbled and fell around me.

Everything inside of me had come undone as I stared into his never-ending, black eyes. Every line that had been keeping me grounded was sliced one by one. Everything that I was made up of – my friendship with Bella, my love for my father, my adoration for my pack, my sisters, my brothers (even Leah), my hatred for all things dead, my home, my name, my _self _– it all disconnected from me – _poof_ – and floated up into space.

A thousand steel cables locked my soul onto his forever.

I was left there; no strings attached, with nothing but the sight of _him –_my imprint, my _everything -_ keeping me grounded. His angered gaze was the only thing keeping me alive, keeping me _here._ I could see it then, how the universe swirled around where he stood. I had never seen the symmetry of the universe before, but now it was plain.

Gravity no longer tied me to Earth. It was Edward. And it would _always be Edward._

My anger suddenly tapered away and the insults died on my lips. I couldn't yell at him. I wasn't even mad anymore; maybe a little hurt, though. Bella, on the other hand, was pissing me the hell off. I yanked her hand away from my chest, my skin burning where she had touched, and stepped away. Backing down.

Bella stared at me in confusion. I glared back. She had really _wanted_ a fight to happen; she loved the feeling of two guys fighting over her. I could tell by the hint of disappointment in her murky, brown eyes. Too bad she wouldn't ever get the pleasure again.

I looked to Edward, turning my back on Bella in dismissal, and he looked confused too. Slightly relieved, but then angry. He looked utterly disgusted and I tried not to take it hard but I knew it was directed towards me. Toward the idea of _us._

I tried not show how much that hurt, but I knew he could see. The feeling of rejection was the worst pain I had ever, or ever will, feel. The sting shook me to the core. I should've known he wouldn't accept me. Unfortunately, he had Bella, and she would always be a barricade between us.

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><p>I remember when he first kissed me. He had made it seem so passionate and wanton, when I really knew it was out of pity. He had seen how much it hurt for me to face him and I guess he thought I was pitiful.<p>

He had taken my breath away. Held my face gently with one of his hands and his other arm cradled me against his body.

He had pinned me down and brought noises out of me that I thought I never knew I had the ability to make. He had wrapped himself around me and brought my wondering soul back to my body, in the privacy of a meadow in the surrounding forest.

We realized that maybe we sort of loved each other.

_Sometimes, two people have to fall apart to realize how much they have to fall back together. _

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><p>I remember when he sent me away. I couldn't understand. Our relationship had been a trying time, what with Bella being in the way, but the time we had had the chance together had been <em>bliss.<em>

I don't know why he did it. Maybe he was annoyed with me. Maybe I wasn't a good enough lover. Maybe he was tired of seeing me cry. It's still not quite clear, but as soon as he commanded me to leave, I had no choice. I was gone.

_If he doesn't chase you when you walk away, keep walking._

He didn't follow me; he didn't say a single word. That's how I got here. Miles from home, sickly and lost.

I stand in the middle of nowhere and I think that maybe this is the way it's supposed to be. I'm meant to be alone and admire him from the sidelines.

_There isn't a moment of my day that isn't spent wondering where you are, what you're doing, how you're feeling. Even in the quiet of the night, when everything is still and I am nearly asleep, there's a part of me that is still wondering._

He may be my soul mate, but he was never _really_ mine. He was happier with someone else. He wanted me to be nothing and I must be whatever he wants. _As long as he's _truly _happy._ It'll be okay.

I repeat this to myself, like a mantra, as I curl up on the forest floor. The cold, cruel fingers of The End curl around my waning body and slowly drag the remaining part of my soul away, until there is nothing left.

The feeling of weightlessness is so sweet. The burden of life is no longer lying heavy on my shoulders and I can finally break free of my weary limbs. The siren son of the death is so melodic that I hastily plunge myself into its void of darkness.

Finally, I set myself for some much needed rest.

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><p><strong>Review Please!<strong>


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